In 2011, I dove out of my life, headlong into a brand new one. I still have no idea where that life is going but I can tell you that it’s been a hell of a journey.
There were days when I wasn’t quite sure who I was. Days when I fell apart and didn’t want to get out of bed. Days when I reached the bottom, wanted to delve even further, and never come back up for air. There were days when I didn’t want to breathe. Days when I sat, for what seems like forever, in front of my netbook, begging my brain to cooperate so I can write something for this blog. Yet nothing comes so I write for other websites about non-postpartum issues.
After all of this, I finally know who I am. I like who I am.
Here’s the thing I’m afraid to tell you and afraid to tell myself but I’m going to say it anyway – I have no idea how to merge who I used to be with who I am now. I’m at a crossroads, foot firmly on the brake, unable to move forward in any direction.
Frozen.
Do I need to merge the woman I used to be with the woman I am now? Is it necessary for me to move forward? Has the merge already happened as I have grown over the past year? How do I continue to do what I do here as a single woman and no longer an active full time parent? Am I still qualified to provide advice and support? Are my experiences negated now that I have stepped out of the very life which caused them?
These are the thoughts which race through my head. The thoughts which give me reason to stop and wonder about the very future of my blog….about my future. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I fought for my identity as me. Now, I fight as me for my identity as a mother.
I have no doubt that the future which awaits me is filled with joy, happiness, love, and peace. A future in which I will no longer be lost to myself or to those closest to me. It is faith which has carried me this far and faith which will carry me until my days in this world are done. This is all I know, all I need to know. Learning to fully trust faith, to fully trust the plan laid out for my life, however, is the challenge I face now.
I am learning to lean hard on God with every day. In His time, I will understand and find my answers. Until then…I will wait, with joy in my heart, clinging to hope and fighting the ever closer creeping fear with fierce prayers emanating from my very soul.
This post written as part of a movement, Things I Am Afraid to Tell You. I realize it’s supposed to be more of a list, but this is how mine came out and I am okay with that.
You can find more brave bloggers sharing what they’re afraid to tell you here.
Lauren, you are no less of a mother because you are single. There are so many other women in your position, and your voice speaks to them even stronger now; but you’ll still speak to me as well. You are such a powerful resource and advocate for so many of us. Know that you are very loved and valued, no matter what. (hugs)
(hugs) thank you, Kristin. So much.
You know? I kind of sensed this from you lately. But rest assured, no matter who you are, your #ppdchat mamas will love you.
Lauren, I know just what you mean, but for different reasons. I wrote a similar post last week about feeling lost. I can understand how that huge shift in your life would create this feeling, but I also know you can and will move past it.
I think the question is: Do you want to continue your work in this area? Because if you do you will be beautifully qualified and more than successful. I have no doubt.
As for whether you have to merge who you were before with who you are now… I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out.
Praying for you that you will be able to be both the you and the mother that you and your family need!
Learning to fully trust faith is so hard & is something that I am working on as well. Finding your blog & the PPDChat has been such a tremendous help to me (and I know to many, many others as well). It still is & it is because of online resources like this that I was able to feel connected to others & start to heal. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you only the best!
Lauren, finding #ppdchat changed my life. I would not know the people I know and have the courage to talk about my experiences if it weren’t for your guidance. I am with Kristin. You are so loved and valued by your #ppdarmy of mamas.
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